Some Days Suck

So, today was hard.

I cried twice before 8:30am, not to boast. But I did.

But I also advocated for myself in a big way. I’m quietly proud of that. Even if it was messy.

It’s kind of been the perfect snapshot of where I’m at right now.

I’ve been struggling for a while. Since I had the nerve flare in December really. I just haven’t had the space to recover properly. I’ve been coping. But I haven’t been recovering.

I’ve known for a little while I was finding things tough. I was being honest with work and telling them how hard I was finding it. So I don’t think they were shocked when I emotionally declared this morning that I didn’t think I was well enough to be in.

My job has been great with me. I’ve made it more difficult for myself than I’ve had to because I’m still letting some of my brains old narrative win.

“You should be able to cope.”

“Get a grip.”

“People have much more difficult lives than you, this is pathetic.”

I realised at the start of the year that staying quiet and trying not to be a problem for anybody wasn’t really serving me. I was finding it hard to get time off because I was trying to be a ‘team player’ and let people with families take priority. But it meant that when I first flared up, I worked right through Christmas and new year, because I didn’t speak up for myself.

Over the last few weeks, I managed to get a week off approved at short notice and work also organised an occupation health assessment to take place when I returned this morning.

I thought rest was coming.

I was wrong.

My week off didn’t pan out the way I’d imagined it would. Nala needed to go to the vets on Friday for a small surgical procedure. She’s okay, she’s healing.  But it was also so quick and my emotions really spiked. When the vets took her away for a few hours to put her under anaesthetic and do the procedure, I found it so difficult. I was having flashbacks to Mika being unwell and my last moments with her.

I ended my week off more burnt out than I started it.

And my body communicated that to me very clearly this morning.

I logged in to work at 7:30am and immediately felt the tears coming. Before I really had time to process it, my internal monologue announced “I can’t carry on like this”.

It’s been one of the gifts of sobriety - brain and body communicating clearer messages.

It’s also been one of the curses. Because there’s no way to hide behind any of your own bull shit anymore.

So, with tears flowing down my cheeks and my hands shaking, I contacted the GP.

I knew I had the occupational health assessment call on the way. But they can’t recommend time off, and I need rest.

There was limbo for a few hours after that. I’d made a move but the reality was that I was now waiting on outcomes. It was an uncomfortable space to exist in.

But finally things did move. The nurse I spoke to from Occupational Health was brilliant with me. She told me that it was clear I was working really hard to get myself well, she told me I was really self aware and commended me for facing my problems. She also told me she was going to recommend a managed move because of health issues.

I felt so validated by that. “I’m not making this  up, I actually am struggling with my job role”.

There was still limbo. I was still logged in to work. I also knew there were more uncomfortable conversations to follow.

One of which was with a close friend who’s currently acting as our Team Leader. I didn’t like having to tell her how much I was struggling. I didn’t want to admit I was breaking down. But I told the truth for myself. Because I knew it was the only way.

Eventually, the GP issued me a sick note for two weeks.

Rest.

Finally.

But because I am who I am, it’s made me reflect and want to articulate my experience.

This is recovery. It’s messy. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s also when the foundations start to shift.

There will be a day in the future where I thank myself for fighting this battle today.

There will be a time I’m proud I stopped trying to fight my demons and decided to walk alongside them because they all have a story to tell me.

Maybe my foundations are finally becoming strong enough for me to listen.

But, yeah. Today was hard.